Question: I met a guy last year, online. While we seemed to have little in common, he expressed interest and I responded. After communicating via email and phone for a couple weeks, we met in-person. While meeting didn’t change my initial impression regarding having little in common, it was an enjoyable evening and I did feel attracted to him. During the next several months, we continued seeing each other, and the intensity of my reservations about the potential of a long-term relationship with him increased the more our differences were revealed. Given at this point I really don’t see any long-term potential, I decided to continue my online dating efforts. Since I’m looking for a significant other, do you see any harm in the two of us continuing to see one another (I do enjoy his company)
Jasbina’s Answer: Generally speaking, in the very early stages of getting-acquainted prior to both people agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship, I see no harm in getting acquainted with multiple people at the same time. In fact, I believe doing so may be beneficial in that it lessens pressure at the early stages of getting acquainted and allows one to figure out what is most important and compatible in a relationship/life partner.
That said, in this case it appears that after several months you believe that no long-term potential exists with the guy you mention. Since you enjoy his company, it is worth taking some time to consider whether your belief of no long-term potential is well founded. Are the differences between the two of you fundamental, ie incompatible worldviews, life goals, values, priorities, emotional make-ups, ways of thinking and being?
If so, I do see potential opportunity costs in continuing to see each other.
Continuing to see a guy whose company you enjoy, but who you’ve determined has no real long-term potential for you can be a convenient source of comfort, BUT, and this is a big but, that convenience and comfort oftentimes comes at an extremely high cost. What’s the cost? The greatest cost which comes to mind is debilitating distraction from developing intimacy with a prospective partner with long-term potential. Instead of developing a close relationship with a long-term partner, a person may let precious time pass in the convenient and comfortable company of a guy whose company you enjoy thereby missing opportunities with Mr Right. If you find yourself in such a situation, ask yourself: while you’re investing your time, energy and potential emotion on a guy with whom there is just no long-term potential, who might you be completely missing out on?
Jasbina Ahluwalia is an attorney turned entrepreneur, Indian-American Relationship Expert, Matchmaker and Radio Show Host.
She is the Founder & President of Intersections Match, the only Elite Personalized Matchmaking & Dating Coaching Firm in the country serving Selective Singles of South Asian descent Nationwide in the U.S.
Jasbina is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show – conversations with published authors/experts on relationships and health and wellness.
For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Feel free to submit a Question to be considered for this column to Jasbina directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.