Looking for real relationship advice that relates to to who you are? We were too. Say hello to Jasbina Ahluwalia, the nation’s only South Asian-American matchmaker! Jasbina has the know-how and cultural sensitivity that has made her the foremost source for commitment-minded singles looking to get hitched.
I have been dating a great guy who I care about for the past couple of months, and I think it has potential. I don’t know how many relationships he’s had in the past, and even though it won’t affect how I feel about him, I would like to have at least a ballpark figure. I want to know if I need to let him take things slowly because he might be a little inexperienced or otherwise. I’m thinking that by knowing his dating past, it will give me a decent sense of his mindset at this point. Assuming it’s a worthwhile thing to do, how exactly should I go about figuring out his past dating experience?
I’m happy to hear you’re dating a guy who you care about. In my opinion, his past does not appear particularly relevant at this point. What is relevant with respect to a potential future with this guy is whether he is meeting your expectations for the stage of relationship you are currently in. Are you happy with the way you feel when the two of you are together, the level of exclusivity of the relationship, the amount of time you spend together and the level of interest he shows in you? Also, are you aware of each other’s “deal breakers” — anything at this time that may ultimately make it difficult for the relationship to continue moving forward?
If you can answer “yes” to these questions and are content with the pace of the relationship, I suggest focusing on the present, continuing to enjoy the relationship unfolding and regularly expressing to your guy how much you enjoy being with him. The more he feels like his life is better with you in it, the more invested he will be in the relationship.
On the other hand, if you — not your friends or family — are starting to feel anxious or dissatisfied with the pace at which the relationship is proceeding, it is important for you to be honest and upfront with your partner about your feelings. Don’t start a conversation at a time when you feel anxious or frustrated, but rather at a time when you feel comfortable expressing yourself with a confident and positive tone. Do not expect him to read your mind about your expectations for a future together, and do not attempt to read his mind. Additionally, do not be afraid of expressing your dissatisfaction for fear of “rocking the boat” or your anxiety and frustration could build up until you just can’t stand it anymore and, you ultimately end up unleashing your pent-up frustration on your partner.
Also remember that when you express your feelings, you must be fully open to the possibility that your partner might not share your expectations. Your role in a relationship is not about attempting to convince your boyfriend that you are right. It is instead to respect yourself and him enough to listen to each other’s feelings and expectations and feel empowered to determine whether your expectations are similar enough that you can continue investing in the relationship.
Jasbina Ahluwalia is an attorney turned entrepreneur, Indian-American Relationship Expert, Matchmaker and Radio Show Host. She is the Founder / President of Intersections Match, the only Elite Personalized Matchmaking & Dating Coaching Firm in the country serving Selective Singles of South Asian descent Nationwide in the U.S. Jasbina is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show – conversations with published authors/experts on relationships and health and wellness.