The very first time my inner voice spoke to me, it said, “My dear one, no matter what you go through in life know that I am here with you. With your hand in mine, we will walk through the rain and snow into the sunrise again.” I had no idea what it meant, but I wrote it down like I do with all my insights, revelation and intimations. Perhaps it was my body communicating with my soul, but soon after that, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
One of the ironies of my life is that about eight months before I was diagnosed, a very close friend and I talked about how we must get ourselves checked with a mammogram. But, with all of our good and wise intentions, we just never got around to it.
Diagnosis, Chemo and Acceptance
In 1999, I found a small lump on my breast and had it checked out. The doctors decided to do a lumpectomy, my first surgery. They found a tumor, malignant about 7 centimeters long and almost into stage 3 cancer. This is when they performed the “greater” surgery and removed my breast.
It was a shock to find out that I had cancer. One announces death with cancer; a hopelessness, a feeling of being trapped and there being no way out of the situation. After my surgery they wanted me to have six rounds of chemotherapy, one every 21 days followed by six weeks of intense radiation on my left side, every day except Sundays.
While having to deal with my aggressive treatment, there were many other emotional battles I also had to fight. Immediately after the surgery, I could not look at myself without my clothes. I couldn’t accept my body. After few days however, as I went in for my bath, I had this realization, “Hey… this physical part of me has suffered a major shock, and is in trauma.” I started to understand my body’s cry for love and acceptance; from that day forward I would look at that part of me and give it love. By simply just saying, “I love you darling, be healed and feel secure. I’m there for you,” my attitude turned from rejection to acceptance to nurturing.
Recovery
The days after my surgery, I was still disappointed, but felt strong. It’s hard to explain, but I just felt physically strong even when I went through my weak, emotional moments of sorrow, hopelessness and fear.
In between my chemotherapy days, I started walking briskly in my garden to take care of my physical and mental self. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening, breathing deeply. I would breathe in deeply and breathe in strength, love, peace, good health and joy. When breathing out, I would let go of all my fears, doubts, guilt, and hopelessness.
As I grew strong mentally and physically, I started venturing about my garden longer. Brisk walks, healing walks, as I called them. Then I began a walk-run, walk-run regime. There was also a form of meditation I would do, where sitting quietly, straight back and comfortable, I would close my eyes and go to every organ, every cell, every part of my system and give it light, love and energy. “It is filled with light, it is healthy, and it is strong. My joints and spine are flexible.” I used to talk to my cells a lot and would give them my light and love, and in turn, would receive their light and love.
After my treatments were over, I felt good! I felt strong. I felt invincible. I had regular checkups. I spent seven good strong years in this manner. I was 49 years old and though I suffered from other aches and pains, knee problems and asthma, it was a part of life. What was most important was this simple fact: I was cancer free.
Second Time Around
Last year in 2006, I had terrible pain in my upper thighbone and the left side of my pubic bone. Even though it hindered my walking a little, it didn’t think much of it. I felt fine: strong, energetic, cheerful. Then the check-ups started again, a whole pile of them, procedures such as: X-rays, PET scans, bone scans, blood tests, C.T. scans, MRI’s, the works.
This time I was diagnosed with bone cancer. The doctors were surprised this happened after seven years remission since normally, if symptoms were to return, they would do so within a two-year period. All the doctors said that I should have treatment radiation and chemo to remove the pain by killing the cells. I was not sure if I could go through it again. (Cont)
|
|
